Actually, I realised I am the one that have not been moving on though I always tell others to move on. Kind of ironic, really.
I forgot to bring my hp to work, it is the second time so far, and I am debating in my head if to ask the cab to turn back and get my hp or I should just carry on my jourey to work. Then, I have decided to go on the journey instead. Trying out another day without my hp cos I know no one will call or msg me even I have it with me. I mean no family or friend will call me on normal days.
When I was buying lunch at coffee beans, I looked around me. Suddenly, a sense of loss came over me. I am thinking what has happened. Stuck in the job for almost a decade, having a husband and 2 kids, no one really to turn to when suffering an emotional crisis, family upside down, chaos and frustration everyday. I mean suddenly I realised I have no idea what kind of life I have signed up for.
Just like a sitting duck, everyday just waiting for the day to pass. Of cos, my consolation for the end of the day is to see my 2 fighting kiddos, and a husband who will listen sometimes, if I can keep him away from tv and his phone (he is gonna to protest about this statement. Lolx..). But seriously, what do I want? I have NO idea to that question.
Everyone in my maiden family have their own agenda. My mum worrys and sick of my dad, so she is complaining about him everytime I go back during Sundays. My sister is so sick of her husband and in-laws and on off she will keep talking and cursing about them, BUT she will never let go even though it is getting her to nothing. My brother, let’s just say he is too much of his own mind to bother about the rest of us.
In-law wise, I have great help from my mil, so I can’t complain much though sometimes I did things I did not meant to. If you know me, you should be aware that sometimes I will just live in my world and ignore stuff plus talk rubbish. Haha.. I always have problem facing my sil, why you will ask, but then somethings are still better kept unsaid, cos I think I have said too much and will be getting punished soon. Lolx. Fil, too seldom to see him around, but his mouth is often faster than his thinking, if you get what I mean. Bil wise, think he is too busy handling his wife’s emotion and children. Hehe..
My own family?
Well, Xavier has been a handful since Yr 2009, he is more than a stubborn kid and I guess patience is not really in me as sometimes I resort to accidental parenting. And everytime ended up remorse and regretful. Helpless most of the times. With the arrival of Yorick, things go haywire every now and then. But we pick up bits and pieces here and there.
Husband? He is good, still good. Maybe my expectation has risen, especially after the arrivals of our boys, so guess sometimes I hope to get more attention to him, at least hear me bitch when I feel like it. Haha.. I am lying if I say I do not have doubt in this marriage, but hey, I am a think-too-much gal, like it or not. Plus, I do not have faith in marriage or relationship since young, though I’m married for coming to 8 years?! Somemore, my hormones are really taking over me these days, so I am touchy and mean at times. It is already considered a miracle for me that we have been together for almost 12 YEARS!!!
Move On, Move On, Move On, but move to where? I am desperately out of passion and motivation. My career is not working well for me, and I am not really into making friends with colleagues anymore. Sitting in office is a killing to me. Face the endless mails but none interest me to work on immediately. Have to watch my mouth so I will not shoot anything stupid out of it. Job searching sounds so tedious and fearful. Haha..
Friend, friend, friend.. We all human beings need each other. I admit, I am not a good friend to some of the people in my life. So I cannot blame them for bailing me out. However, it take two hands to clap. If you are not willing to share and listen, there is nothing I can do and end up looking at you blankly. I do not want to be the only one doing the entertaining and talking, and getting slammed when you hear something different from your point of view. Anyway, there is always a part of me preferred to be a lone-ranger, as I do not have to watch out for the things I say, the crazy stuff I do, and to be judged. Much as I want to share feeling with people, I do not want them to judge me. Pride is playing I guess.
The waiting for lunch at coffee beans make me look around me. People laughing, people talking, and I felt so alone. When my boys grow up and husband engaged in his new job, I will be more alone. I know there is so many things I wanna do but I am in dilemma. I do not wish to miss times with my kids and left them in the mercy of sil. Haha.. Yes, I do not like her around them. I just feel I do not have the courage and energy to try something else and live a life of my own.
I want to call my friends out for dinner and fun, but everytime I try, I put the phone down, asking myself if I am really wanting to do it. I do not know the real intention, but the results will always be I put down the phone, and that is. Also, I can’t always ask my mil to look after them when I am not available, since she has been taking care of them for the days. She needs a break too. My dear hubby is very engaged in work and his world, so he can only take care of one and perhaps none if he is working overtime.
Dear God, from whichever religion, if you can hear my calls and cries, send me a signal, at least let me know where I should be heading. Feeling completely drained. What I need to really take the load off, if not, it will be crushing me hard. HELP ME MOVE ON!!!
