遗忘

这是一个被我遗忘的角落，还有什么事物我已遗忘了呢？ 人嘛，像很多学者说的， 是一个很会遗忘的动物， 它可以是个恩赐，也是一个恶礼。 恩赐，是因为学会遗忘，可以把一切不开心的事， 冲到脑外，什么都不用去烦。 恶礼，是因为它会让你渐渐对上心的事，不想删除的事， 慢慢的钻出脑海，什么都想不起来。 最近，好想一个人的感觉。 很不想回家，想到外头去溜。 不想回到庸庸碌碌的，回家，上班。 弄到自己很累很累的状态。 我忘了以前看到孩子的喜悦， 想和他们嬉笑怒骂的感觉。 现在只觉得好赶好赶， 和时间赛跑着。 忘了如何心以前的宽大。 可能是从小太多被背叛的经验吧。 慢慢人变得不比以前友善。 朋友的背叛，家人的背叛， 以为会帮我收密的人， 一个一个，自以为伟大的， 来对我进行伤人的背板。 算命的说， 我活了这么久， 其实心里从来没快乐过。 或许是吧。。 被人背板抛弃的感觉， 我比谁都清楚。 不管我如何迎合人， 他们从来都对我不上心， 所以渐渐我的心也学会封闭起来。 我想遗忘这种感觉， 但却忘不了。可悲可笑。 人会变，如同整个世界都在变。 变好，变坏，不是你我能决定的。 想找回以前的热忱，豁达， 那些被遗忘的美好感觉回忆。 好想好想。。

Moving On

Actually, I realised I am the one that have not been moving on though I always tell others to move on. Kind of ironic, really.

I forgot to bring my hp to work, it is the second time so far, and I am debating in my head if to ask the cab to turn back and get my hp or I should just carry on my jourey to work. Then, I have decided to go on the journey instead. Trying out another day without my hp cos I know no one will call or msg me even I have it with me. I mean no family or friend will call me on normal days.

When I was buying lunch at coffee beans, I looked around me. Suddenly, a sense of loss came over me. I am thinking what has happened. Stuck in the job for almost a decade, having a husband and 2 kids, no one really to turn to when suffering an emotional crisis, family upside down, chaos and frustration everyday. I mean suddenly I realised I have no idea what kind of life I have signed up for.

Just like a sitting duck, everyday just waiting for the day to pass. Of cos, my consolation for the end of the day is to see my 2 fighting kiddos, and a husband who will listen sometimes, if I can keep him away from tv and his phone (he is gonna to protest about this statement. Lolx..). But seriously, what do I want? I have NO idea to that question.

Everyone in my maiden family have their own agenda. My mum worrys and sick of my dad, so she is complaining about him everytime I go back during Sundays. My sister is so sick of her husband and in-laws and on off she will keep talking and cursing about them, BUT she will never let go even though it is getting her to nothing. My brother, let’s just say he is too much of his own mind to bother about the rest of us.

In-law wise, I have great help from my mil, so I can’t complain much though sometimes I did things I did not meant to. If you know me, you should be aware that sometimes I will just live in my world and ignore stuff plus talk rubbish. Haha.. I always have problem facing my sil, why you will ask, but then somethings are still better kept unsaid, cos I think I have said too much and will be getting punished soon. Lolx. Fil, too seldom to see him around, but his mouth is often faster than his thinking, if you get what I mean. Bil wise, think he is too busy handling his wife’s emotion and children. Hehe..

My own family?

Well, Xavier has been a handful since Yr 2009, he is more than a stubborn kid and I guess patience is not really in me as sometimes I resort to accidental parenting. And everytime ended up remorse and regretful. Helpless most of the times. With the arrival of Yorick, things go haywire every now and then. But we pick up bits and pieces here and there.

Husband? He is good, still good. Maybe my expectation has risen, especially after the arrivals of our boys, so guess sometimes I hope to get more attention to him, at least hear me bitch when I feel like it. Haha.. I am lying if I say I do not have doubt in this marriage, but hey, I am a think-too-much gal, like it or not. Plus, I do not have faith in marriage or relationship since young, though I’m married for coming to 8 years?! Somemore, my hormones are really taking over me these days, so I am touchy and mean at times. It is already considered a miracle for me that we have been together for almost 12 YEARS!!!

Move On, Move On, Move On, but move to where? I am desperately out of passion and motivation. My career is not working well for me, and I am not really into making friends with colleagues anymore. Sitting in office is a killing to me. Face the endless mails but none interest me to work on immediately. Have to watch my mouth so I will not shoot anything stupid out of it. Job searching sounds so tedious and fearful. Haha..

Friend, friend, friend.. We all human beings need each other. I admit, I am not a good friend to some of the people in my life. So I cannot blame them for bailing me out. However, it take two hands to clap. If you are not willing to share and listen, there is nothing I can do and end up looking at you blankly. I do not want to be the only one doing the entertaining and talking, and getting slammed when you hear something different from your point of view. Anyway, there is always a part of me preferred to be a lone-ranger, as I do not have to watch out for the things I say, the crazy stuff I do, and to be judged. Much as I want to share feeling with people, I do not want them to judge me. Pride is playing I guess.

The waiting for lunch at coffee beans make me look around me. People laughing, people talking, and I felt so alone. When my boys grow up and husband engaged in his new job, I will be more alone. I know there is so many things I wanna do but I am in dilemma. I do not wish to miss times with my kids and left them in the mercy of sil. Haha.. Yes, I do not like her around them. I just feel I do not have the courage and energy to try something else and live a life of my own.

I want to call my friends out for dinner and fun, but everytime I try, I put the phone down, asking myself if I am really wanting to do it. I do not know the real intention, but the results will always be I put down the phone, and that is. Also, I can’t always ask my mil to look after them when I am not available, since she has been taking care of them for the days. She needs a break too. My dear hubby is very engaged in work and his world, so he can only take care of one and perhaps none if he is working overtime.

Dear God, from whichever religion, if you can hear my calls and cries, send me a signal, at least let me know where I should be heading. Feeling completely drained. What I need to really take the load off, if not, it will be crushing me hard. HELP ME MOVE ON!!!

心的累

其实，我知道我的心很累。。
不用其他人说，我也知道。。

累得我，做了不想做的事，
很想逃避一切。

当我以为可以依靠的时候，
现实又狠狠地甩了我一巴。
只想，在我钻牛角尖的时候，
有人能好好听我说话，
但我想，可能对他来说，
是一个困扰吧。。

累了。。 好累。。

my new toy : Tefal Rice Cooker

i have been wanting to buy a new rice cooker to try out the recipes from books that i have bought online. but always hesitated bcos of the pricing and oso afraid that my lazy genes will start to act up whenever i wanna try.. nevertheless, ben dan bought for me the tefal rice cooker as my christmas present and i can't wait to try it out :)

妥协

我想他是不明白的。

就算明白了，他还是有他的理论。
有时，觉得他真的有听到感觉到，
但原来那并不会改变任何事情。

我知道，我是幸运的，
跟一些人比，他真的很好。

只是，厌倦了，
每次的满心期待，
变成无奈的失望。。

怕失去，所以先低头，
想把不开心的带过去。

从开始的妥协与迁就，
已演变成现在的一个习惯。

可能是我不值得他的付出吧。

妥协得有点累了，真的累了。。

放弃?拥抱?

假如我的世界是如此，
我应该放弃它，
还是继续拥抱呢？

Treasure..

recently, my colleague has lost his 2 years old daughter who contracted pneumonia which leads to complications. the young girl has lost in the battle against the sickness and passed away. though i did not meet her before, but from the posting/pictures my colleague and his wife posted, she is a cute gal and a bright one as well.

perhaps being a mother changes my controlling of emotions, i cried when one of my colleagues informed me of the death. hearing the news makes all of us feel sorry and sad for the family. my deepest condolences to the family and hope the daughter will rest in peace.

being in the parenthood, i know it is a tough job, especially when now xavier is in his 'terrible two' phase (a guess of mine), and nurturing a young yorick, it can be quite tired and even tearful. have to handle their mood swing & tantrums, ensuring that they will not be learn the wrong ways of life from others etc. sometimes i just feel like leaving them aside when it gets too overwhelmed for me. however, deep down, i know i can't cos i love them and wanting to see them grow healthily, and to go through with them each single phase of their life, from infant to toddler, then young child to teenage and finally to adulthood. i treasure the moments with them. i hope they will be healthy and grow up as a happy & confident adults.

samson has also lost his grandmother during my confinement period. from what i know, she was the pillar, having all her grandchildren to love her deeply. the young ones visited and company her whenever they can, whether at home and during her stay in the hospital. they are filial and sensible, for which i am touched by it.

we must learn to treasure the moments with our loved ones more, and also taking care of ourselves so that we will be able to take care of them. with times where we have our differences and disagreement, we have to learn to be open-minded and compromise. saint i am not, as there are some portions of me still resisting the ideas to care for some people.

i pray for good health and well-being for my husband & sons, my parents, my siblings & their family, my parent-in-laws, brother-in-law & family, and of cos my friends..

I LOVE YOU :)