jus to talk around.. haha..

think recently i am really lazy.. even my blog is in english except for the song to share where it is copied and paste from website to blog. cos need to spend more time to find the appropriate words for chinese.. think english i can anyhow write cos my 'england is very very not powderful'.. so guess even if people wanna penalized me, will not give me really bad scores.. haha.. ya.. getting more and more lazy in one way or another.. and getting fatter liaoz.. how i miss the slim slim figure during poly time.. but all in the past liaoz..

how are my friends recently? good or bad? still affected by the bad news every now and then?? now my feelings are more settled down but me getting more and more quiet.. jus feel like lazing at home and workplace doing nothing or perhaps watching videos quietly.. even when lunch time i oso too tired to go out to eat wif my kakis.. except when weekend is here, i will be more energised cos will want to bring xavier out to know this world.. though ben dan will be lazy then but he did tried his best to bring us out whenever we can.. as weekend is the only time where we can have xavier wholly to ourselves.

he is getting more and more chubby, though i still feel tat he is losing weight. guess tat's the nature of a mother. wanna the child to be chubby and cute cute.. still, need to watch over his growth, i dun wan him to be fat like me. haha.. now he coming to learn to suck his thumb liaoz.. this son of mine really has a strong sucking instinct as stated in the book. sigh.. how do i help him to kick the habit? my mum said is like tat one, he will kick the habit once older.. then my MIL has no choice but to give to him since she needs to do housework and cook for the family, this is only way to keep him quiet most of the times. thanks to her, at least i can go to work or out to dating with mind in peace. so now i try to ask ben dan to bring her out wif us whenever we can so tat she wun be always at home alone when my FIL is out there doing 'KPO'.. oops.. haha..

jus completed watching the HK series 'Tang Xin Feng Bao', inside the show, the lady chang zaixin spent time updating her blog which acts like her diary and her bf, alfred, oso picked up the habit of writing diary on the pc when he broke up wif her. after watching tat i oso feel like using my blog as diary for everyday life. but then knowing myself too well, my lazy nature will make me give up shortly and of cos, more effort will be spent in writing the diary in chinese, as think tat is my stronger language and i wun wanna spoil tat.. haha.. think i still do wat i can doing now.. jus update whenever i can.. muahahaha ;p

oh ya, coming i will have tough time gng on. why? most of my colleagues will be gng overseas for training and locally we have a lot of things i need to take over from one. think it is my time to work hard as he really helped me a lot during pregnancy and back from maternity leave.. must do my best. though i might be dealing wif someone i dun like, but think tat is part and parcel of life, rite? can't ask for the best of anything. if i really come across him during work, think i jus played my unfriendly self again, but i think he knows i dun like him.. so dun think his crap will affect me anyway.. muahahaa ;p me not friendly gal liaoz..

chinese new year is coming soon.. think if sat really gng out, must ask ben dan to buy clothing for baby although i think xavier has more than enough clothings.. ban dan said must buy him red shirt, red pant, red shoes, red cap.. make sure tat he will be the red angbao for the festival. i was like 'diao', dun know wat to say.. tis yr, guess i will bring her back to mum's hse for the 1st day of new yr, which i nvr go back on tat day before. think she will be missing her grandchildren during festive seasons.. but my sis can't, cos her hubby's side got celebration and her daughter will be in the limelight.. and dun think she wanna bring lele back to my grandmother's side. sometimes all the unhappiness cannot be erased easily. i oso trying my best not to bring over tat day, but still see how, cos think me more soft-hearted than my sis.. muahaaha ;p wat a way to praise myself.. me crazy gal..

wah, realised when coming to write in english, i will keep on writing, not knowing tat the thing will get longer and longer.. hahaahaha.. but then i will not give up writing in chinese. when i really feel like it, i will still write in chinese.. perhaps one day i will oso write in jap language, but then got to wait till i revised my jap. long time din touch, all given back to my teachers.. haiz.. really waste money and time if dun revised.. then i can also teach xavier if i can catch hold of the language better.. wah, english, chinese and jap for him.. will it be too hard??

ok.. got to stop liaoz.. if not my boss sees me write tis during working hours.. sure scold me.. muahahaa.. till then my friends..

五月天 - 你不是真正的快乐

人群中 哭着 你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦 或痛 或心动了
你已经决定了 你已经决定了

你 静静 忍着 紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜 就是 越伤人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂 关在永远 锁上的躯壳

这世界 笑了 于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是 你的选择
于是你 含着眼泪 飘飘荡荡 跌跌撞撞的走着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂 关在永远 锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧 却像隔着银河
难道就真的 抱着遗憾 一直到老了 然后才后悔着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂 关在永远 锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧 却像隔着银河
难道就真的 抱着遗憾 一直到老了

你值得真正的快乐 你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了 还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让 悲伤全部 结束在此刻 重新开始活着

New Year New Hope?!

Ya, it is now Year 2009 liaoz.. Spent my time at the Warren Country Club Bowling Alley to have the new year countdown, and kissing the gals around (can check out the facebook pictures).. Did have fun that day.. But then was feeling bad also cos have left Xavier with my MIL that night.. Should have the countdown with him, since it is the first new year celebration for him..

On the new year day itself, I received an sms from colleague saying that we have a colleague killed in the BKK fire, and one was missing at that point of time. I was shocked cos that colleague was quite a nice guy, at least I have a easier time working with him than his 'boss'.. After that went back to office on Fri, and most of us were discussing on the death and praying for the miracle of the other who was confirmed dead in the recent news. I did not went to the wake of the colleague as I just have Xavier and I do not want to lost control of my emotions (crying) during the wake. However, when I reached home the day before of the 'Chu Bing', I hugged Ben Dan and cried. I'm still feeling bad that I did not managed to send my colleague off to his last journey.. But still hope that he will rest in peace..

When Year 2008 is coming to end and the starting of Year 2009, the world is like having a lot of problems e.g. recession, terrorism, innocent people killed etc.. Suddenly felt that everything is getting more and more messy than when I was in my teenage years.. I did not really know how to face this world now..

I always tell my mum or some friends that now my thinking is to live one day by one day.. But then whenever I read the news or hearing from Ben Dan, bad things seems like increasing.. When will it stop? I really wonder.. Can I still be living as happy as before? Ya, I know some will say that it is how you choose, but then when times are hard and demoralising, is it really possible for you to choose to be happy all the while? I think I can only choose to pick myself up whenever I can.. Haha..

Now I am getting more and more de-energised in the things I am doing.. Be it work, taking care of the family, and others, I sometimes just really feel like throwing everything away and just leave.. But then where can I go? Can I really throw them away?

Work is getting neither here nor there now.. I know I am slacking a lot, but then I still do not know how to continue.. I cannot quit just like that since I need to be responsible for Xavier now. Life is short, yes, this I know.. Live your life well, yes, I also know about this.. But, saying is forever easier than action.. I can console my friends with the above words, but can I do it myself? Puzzled..

Perhaps for some who is reading this will feel that I am feeling really down at this point of time.. I must admit, YES.. Haha... Think it is the point of time when I need to be really down down down emotionally then I can learn to stand and pick myself up.. At least I think I have Xavier to provide me the strength to move on, and Ben Dan there to support me, though there are still some of the things between us which I need to overcome..

To my dear friends who are reading my blog and this article, do not have to worry about me, life is all about up and down.. Think it is another milestone that I have to overcome..

Nevertheless, let's all hope this new year 2009 will get better than year 2008, perhaps much much better.. Let's pray hard, and work hard also..

HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

一年将尽。。

好快，2008年快过完了，
过几天2009年就到了。。

今年，我想我最大的成就感，
是来自喜悦(骏安)。
好不容易能把他生下来，
虽然过程有点辛苦，
加上坐月的不愉快，
但看着他从小小的变成大大的，
从哭脸变笑脸，
心里会浮起一句话，
'You Complete Me'。。

我想2009年的愿望，
主要在于。。

1) 喜悦健健康康，快快乐乐地成长，一切都能平平安安。要爱我多过爱笨蛋(哈哈哈。。开玩笑的啦。。) 。。

2) 笨蛋不要那么笨蛋(哈哈。。)，工作要加油，有贵人相助，小人远离，还有多疼疼我，爱爱我。。

3) 两边的双亲都能健健康康，开开心心，享受天伦。。

4) 我姐能快乐一点，再坚强一点，好好照顾我可爱但脾气像妈妈一样臭的外甥女， 小乐乐。。

5) 我弟能懂事一点，有主见一点，好好策划与女友的未来，因为以后的路还很长。。

6) 笨蛋的哥哥那一家能够融洽一点，小孩听话一点。。

7) 朋友们都能替对方着想一下，必要时关心一下。有伴侣的继续甜甜蜜蜜，无者继续加油。。

自己呢，按照惯例，
都是不要想太多，不要太执着，
快乐一点，简单一点，
努力多一点，唱歌多一点，
忧郁少一点，食量少一点。。
还有很多点，留给下次点。。 哈哈。。

哦! 还有最后一点，
大家在佳节玩得开心一点!!

新年快乐!!!

11月17日 - 喜悦已101天大了!!

昨天在家替喜悦庆祝他已经101天大了，
笨蛋买了两个小蛋糕来庆祝。
我们把喜悦从梦中叫醒，
所以他的脸难免会有的blur blur 的。。
嘻嘻。。

喜悦来了!!

名字 : 林骏安 (Lim Joon Ann, Xavier)
生日 : 8月9日2008年 (与国家同天)

快来临了 :)

算算，再过多几天，
喜悦就会来临这个世界了。
从知道到现在，
心情没有一刻不是为了他。
毕竟，等了好久。。

很多人问，
是不是很辛苦，
我的回答永远都是还好，
因为真正辛苦的地方，
不在于身体的不适，
而在是脑袋里的胡思乱想，
与对未来的不安和期待。

不安在于他是否会健康成长，生性乐观，
而且能够在现在如此严苛的世界里生存。
希望他的性格别像我，
如此地爱乱乱想，搞到自己偶尔的神经衰落。
思想性格能像我的笨蛋就好，
乐观成熟，会思考，聪明，
但得加多一点感性与帅气。。
嘻嘻。。

我会尽我的能力保护他，
或许有些东西我并不能给他的，
但我会在能力范围内把最好的给他。

也要谢谢那些在我怀着喜悦时，
给予我帮助与祝福的家人朋友，
还有那个一直在我身旁为我打点一切的笨蛋，
没有他，有时真的无法适从。。
谢谢。。

等喜悦到来时，
我一定会好好照顾他与自己的。

这是我对喜悦和笨蛋的承诺 :)